Anime Blogger Subspecies
Posted by 0rion on November 6th, 2007 - 2:33 pm
As tj_han recently demonstrated, among the subset of otaku known as “anime bloggers” there exist further subgroups which can be used for classification. Unfortunately, his list omitted a number of significant subtypes, which I feel are important to properly identify.
The same disclaimer applies here - all classifications and examples used in this article are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real persons or blogs is purely coincidental. Even if they have the same name and URL.
The Weeaboo
“ZOMG Japan is t3h CHOU SUGOI! I am more awesomer than u because I have been there and u have not!”
The Weeaboo blogger is a rabid fan of any and all things Japanese. He has usually visited Japan at least once and can speak some measure of Japanese. He declaims passionately about anything related to Japanese culture, and brooks no argument from those who he views as possessing inferior weeaboo qualifications (i.e. - have not personally visited Akihabara). He can frequently be seen employing phrases such as “Well my Japanese friend said that…” or “Actually in Japan it’s like this…”
Epic Win is a classic Weeaboo.
Note that upon reaching level 42, The Weeaboo may evolve into its third stage evolution:
The Weeaboo/Authority
“Listen well as I regale you with humorous tales from distant lands, and also about this really hot Mikuru figure I just bought.”
The Weeaboo/Authority is a dual-type blogger, possessing properties of The Weeaboo while also gaining the influence of The Authority. Having lived in Japan and attained some degree of Japanese fluency, they alternate between penning embittered diatribes about cultural inequality and gleefully showing off their latest haul from Akiba or Nakano Broadway. Lesser weeaboo flock to their banner and fap to their every word.
Danny Choo is a Weeaboo/Authority type.
The Turtle
“(could not be reached for comment)”
Those of you who have played real-time strategy games are all too familiar with this type. The Turtle is the sort who, as a child, played alone and kept all his toys at home in neatly organized stacks. He hides within the safety of his own site, rarely venturing out to interact with others.
Jason Miao is a Turtle.
The Phantom
“Hey guys, I’m still here. I haven’t forgotten about you. I’m just really busy, that’s all. I swear.”
The Phantom is theoretically dead, having long since ceased to make regular updates to his site. He continues to post half-heartedly, however, just frequently enough to tantalize readers into the hope that the former glory days will return.
Phantom bloggers generally pass on with time, but in some cases may require exorcism to be laid to rest. Known effective methods of exorcism include girlfriends, graduate school, and real social lives.
Phantom bloggers should be exorcised as soon as possible.
The Scientist
“If anime characters were elements, Haruhi would be a halogen, because she’s so reactive, and she draws others to her with her high electronegativity. Haha, get it?”
A deep thinker, The Scientist loves to scrutinize anime under the lens of scientific analysis. He may often employ abstruse analogies linking popular anime shows or characters to esoteric mathematical and chemistry-related concepts. The Scientist is also known to enjoy organizing things into detailed classifications, including but not limited to fellow bloggers.
tj_han is a consummate Scientist.
The Heavy
“You are great doctor!”
The backbone of any major offensive push, the Heavy wields a massive…oh wait, that’s Team Fortress 2, my bad.
The Sellout
“This show is amazing; you should go out and buy it immediately! I’m not even kidding! Also by strange coincidence I am filthy rich, haha!”
Having achieved some measure of popularity, Sellouts leverage their position for personal profit. In addition to receiving lots of free swag from vendors hopeful for positive press, they ruthlessly monetize their sites through text link advertisements, the massive profits from which enable them to retire in luxury.
Hung of BasuGasuBakuHatsu is one of those filthy sellouts*. I would worry that he’d be offended, but he’s probably too busy rolling in money to care.
The Female
“Hi, I’m a chick and I like, like anime, wow!”
A rare variety amongst anime bloggers, The Female immediately causes a stir, but is often short-lived, tending to mysteriously disappear without a trace. Male otaku are known to engage in intricate mating rituals, in which they can be seen flourishing their richly colored cosplay and fanart plumage in order to impress The Female.
These rituals continue in successively ridiculous displays as they attempt to outdo one another. Invariably, they all watch in dismay as the female instead pursues regular guys who have money and abs.
If you spot one, exercise extreme caution, and above all, do not attempt to handle it in any way; they can be deadly.
The Legend
Legends are well-known and well-liked bloggers who enjoy widespread fame and popularity. They update frequently with thoughtful, original, unbiased, and well-written articles, and are often a good source for wise personal and financial advice. They are also well-spoken, ruggedly handsome, and popular with women.
Although unconfirmed reports of the existence of such creatures continue to circulate, the scientific community has yet to discover a living specimen. As such, it has been dismissed it as a mere outdated myth, a superstition from ancient times, such as the 90’s.
* For the irony impaired, chill out. It’s a joke.
I like this list. It’s epic and win.
hehe good follow up to tj_han’s post ^^
Male otaku are known to engage in intricate mating rituals, in which they can be seen flourishing their richly colored cosplay and fanart plumage in order to impress The Female.
ROTFLMAO. Great post. Good way for me to start my morning.
These lists remind me of those polls: “What kind of ________________ are you?” I laughed at the Phantom blogger one, although in some rare cases bloggers really have come back… from the dead!
This post was made of epic and win indeed.
These posts have been fun stuff. :3
I think I’m still a jellyfish-type blogger though.
“Baby don’t you sign that paper tonight,” she said. But I can’t work in fast food all my life…
“Sell out with me, oh yeah! Sell out with me, tonight!”
“If you spot one, exercise extreme caution, and above all, do not attempt to handle it in any way; they can be deadly.”
O rly?
Nice list, fun to read, fun to read. Unfortunately, I fall into the female subspecies by default, rather depressing actually. XD
Hey I haven’t disappeared yet lol!
@ Xerox
Hey, feel free to choose any designation you want for yourself. You don’t have to be stuck with just one category. After all, Owen already declared himself to be an Authoritative Jellyfish Sniper.
@ Hinano
What are you still doing here??
j/k
Besides, you already have a category all your own: Ex-Fansubber.
Irony or not, I’m not sure where I fall! I’m not a phantom yet, though sometimes I nearly lapse into it.
Hey, that’s what I am! A Ghost Rider! I walk in both worlds! XD
Oops! That was not medicine!
Wow, this list truly IS epic win.
Random passerby here, by the way. Love your blog!
I see you didn’t dare to link to Sasa, or at least Scrumptious…
I am of the dango subspecies.
I R TEH MAN OF SCIENCE.
Lol, I’m a Weeaboo ^^. It is a bit surprising when you find “The Female” ;p, but its always great for otaku’s from both genders to express their opinion on anime. Plus its one of those, “Wow, they do exist” moments lol, no offense to those female bloggers out there.
Interesting that there is no Artsy anime blogger. If I actually ever bothered to make my own anime blog, I’d definitely be using all my critiquing skillz. But then I’d end up busy with something else and turn into a Phantom. Hmm….
“I R TEH MAN OF SCIENCE.”
I should be too, but I haven’t felt like imparting my limited knowledge of biology and medicine into posts yet. Maybe I should in the future.
I’ve been busy for the past four days working on another project and have missed a substantial amount of the fun here. As I write this it is currently 5:15am Pacific time. Work began today at approximately 5 o’clock this evening. I think my eyes are actually bleeding at this point.
However, my absence did give me the unique opportunity to read this post without any prior notion, and as result many “lulz” were experienced.
Well played man, well played.
In that case, I am……half phantom, half…The Heavy, only because it sounds funny when you say, heavy phantom. XD
Dudes, I luv the fact that you hold no punches, including taking shots at yourselves. Enjoyed the reads.
Peace
Great followup to TJ’s post, but you forgot two subspecies:
• The Ninja
A shadow incarnate, residing in the highest atriums of the otaku heart. His eyes are a paradox, capable of inducing catatonic seizures at first sight. Hence the need to cloak himself in horse suits, balaclavas, and aviator shades. The treasure he loots adorns the walls of his ever renovated lair. He’s a staple of the otaku clan, providing libraries of porn, salty raws, and buckets of bandwidth.
rq, moy, and maestro are all highly trained shinobi.
• The Freelancer
Banished from the two-dimensional world for unspecified reasons. He arms himself with a photoscopic weapon, and shoots his beloved resin representations with a beaming flash. He is known to create exquisitely limited paraphernalia like business cards, miniature background kits, and polo shirts. It is currently the only known subspecies capable or sustaining a normal life. And delusions of financial grandeur often plague his mind; the delusions being in some way or form connected to his shameful hobby.
adun, super rats, and tj han are all highly collectible freelancers.
I’m evolving into a grazing phantom jellyfish fetishist with flaming turtle relapses every half a year!
This is becoming interesting xD
Now this is funny. This makes up for the Epic Fail of the Awards ceremony.
no more flipping burgers putting on my silly hat
you know i dont want that no more
and i didnt ask when we get paid
quit my day job anyway
i guess it doesnt matter
I GUESS IT DOESNT MATTER ANYMOOORRRRRRRRRE
sorry couldnt help myself
This was so much win.
Also, I am a female otaku who does some blogging (: And men with abs scare me. So I must be easy to please.
What about the Anime angsters, who angst about the state of the Anime industry, or the Brave Sir Robins who run away from Internet arguments, or the Shiver Me Timbers who claim pirated Anime is a “pirate’s life for me”?
Not to mention the Figure Foto guys, and of course there’s me who’s an Aspie… but no article can encompass all blogdom…