Well it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, and although this is most assuredly due to my laziness, it’s not entirely accurate to say that I’ve been doing nothing but loafing about drinking shochu and watching anime during the punishing summer months here in Japan. Not entirely accurate.

Anyway, what I’m planning to do is share some of my more interesting adventures during my time here. I’ll have leave the serious discussion on the finer points of Japan’s rich cultural heritage to 0rion; my tales will serve as more of a series of facepalm inducing incidents.

So I met Yotsuba the other day, as in IRL.

I was sitting in the cafe area at the local DOMY supermarket, minding my own business, enjoying some of their scrumptious yet very reasonably priced salmon nigirizushi. In the background I could hear the sound of a kid running about shouting something about “okashi” (candy).

As the sounds drew closer, it became apparent that the voice belonged to a small child approximately five years of age. As she entered into the cafe area, which I need to stress is just a couple of tables and chairs seated next to some vending machines within the store, her eyes met with a horrible sight. Namely, my face.

Now, children in Japan usually have one of two reactions when seeing me – either utter despair, or profound curiosity which then quickly descends into glowering disapproval.

They are either perplexed and besotten with sadness as to how God could allow for such an opprobrious creature to exist, or they are disappointed that some responsible adult has not already taken care of removing this affront from their presence. Either way the reaction is usually not positive.

Let me just say that I can absolutely corroborate this fact. I have, on at least a half dozen occasions, seen Japanese children so stunned at Guff’s mere visage that they literally stop in their tracks.

Some even faceplant on the ground, they are so shocked at the sight of this strange and alien being. Yes, small Japanese children tend to be surprised by any sudden encounter with a foreigner, but Guff is a special case deserving of an even more dramatic reaction.

Oh, and if I speak Japanese to them… well, that just completely eviscerates their fragile universe. All in all, it’s a bad day for everyone concerned. This situation, however, was different.

As the young child looked up at me she drew a deep breath. I was preparing for a horrified scream, so I quickly turned around, but instead I was met with a rather cheerful shout of, “DO YOU REALLY LIKE TEA?!”

“What…? Tea… what is she talking about?” I thought to myself.

Then I remembered that I had purchased some oolong tea earlier. Like a simpleton I pointed to it and said with much trepidation, “Uhh, yes, I like tea very much.”

“WOW, THAT’S AMAZING!” the child replied in earnest.

“HEY, do you know how to use this machine?” she asked, pointing to the adjacent drink dispenser. Although I had previously used the machine in question, I thought that I had better play the stupid foreigner, a role that I unintentionally perform exceedingly well, and replied with, “No, not at all, can you please show me?”

“OF COURSE!” she chirped, “IT’S REALLY EASY!”

“OK, first… first you get a cup! Then you put it here and push this button… and then it starts as water but then it TURNS INTO TEA!”

I watched with great attentiveness as this miracle took place before my eyes; indeed the machine did produce tea.

“Actually it’s not very cold but… IT’S REALLY GOOD!” she said after taking a rather large gulp.

I need to stress that the child did not say “oishii” or even “umai”.

Instead, she yelled out “UM~EE!”, a somewhat masculine and very slangy way to refer to something as tasty. After she had finished her explanation she wished me a hearty “JA NEE~!” and departed the store. I could hear her mother mildly scolding her as they exited, “You shouldn’t bother people like that…”

“I WAS HELPING HIM!” she shouted off in the distance.

Truer words have never been spoken.

-Guff out

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