Well it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, and although this is most assuredly due to my laziness, it’s not entirely accurate to say that I’ve been doing nothing but loafing about drinking shochu and watching anime during the punishing summer months here in Japan. Not entirely accurate.

Anyway, what I’m planning to do is share some of my more interesting adventures during my time here. I’ll have leave the serious discussion on the finer points of Japan’s rich cultural heritage to 0rion; my tales will serve as more of a series of facepalm inducing incidents.

So I met Yotsuba the other day, as in IRL.

I was sitting in the cafe area at the local DOMY supermarket, minding my own business, enjoying some of their scrumptious yet very reasonably priced salmon nigirizushi. In the background I could hear the sound of a kid running about shouting something about “okashi” (candy).

As the sounds drew closer, it became apparent that the voice belonged to a small child approximately five years of age. As she entered into the cafe area, which I need to stress is just a couple of tables and chairs seated next to some vending machines within the store, her eyes met with a horrible sight. Namely, my face.

Now, children in Japan usually have one of two reactions when seeing me – either utter despair, or profound curiosity which then quickly descends into glowering disapproval.

They are either perplexed and besotten with sadness as to how God could allow for such an opprobrious creature to exist, or they are disappointed that some responsible adult has not already taken care of removing this affront from their presence. Either way the reaction is usually not positive.

Let me just say that I can absolutely corroborate this fact. I have, on at least a half dozen occasions, seen Japanese children so stunned at Guff’s mere visage that they literally stop in their tracks.

Some even faceplant on the ground, they are so shocked at the sight of this strange and alien being. Yes, small Japanese children tend to be surprised by any sudden encounter with a foreigner, but Guff is a special case deserving of an even more dramatic reaction.

Oh, and if I speak Japanese to them… well, that just completely eviscerates their fragile universe. All in all, it’s a bad day for everyone concerned. This situation, however, was different.

As the young child looked up at me she drew a deep breath. I was preparing for a horrified scream, so I quickly turned around, but instead I was met with a rather cheerful shout of, “DO YOU REALLY LIKE TEA?!”

“What…? Tea… what is she talking about?” I thought to myself.

Then I remembered that I had purchased some oolong tea earlier. Like a simpleton I pointed to it and said with much trepidation, “Uhh, yes, I like tea very much.”

“WOW, THAT’S AMAZING!” the child replied in earnest.

“HEY, do you know how to use this machine?” she asked, pointing to the adjacent drink dispenser. Although I had previously used the machine in question, I thought that I had better play the stupid foreigner, a role that I unintentionally perform exceedingly well, and replied with, “No, not at all, can you please show me?”

“OF COURSE!” she chirped, “IT’S REALLY EASY!”

“OK, first… first you get a cup! Then you put it here and push this button… and then it starts as water but then it TURNS INTO TEA!”

I watched with great attentiveness as this miracle took place before my eyes; indeed the machine did produce tea.

“Actually it’s not very cold but… IT’S REALLY GOOD!” she said after taking a rather large gulp.

I need to stress that the child did not say “oishii” or even “umai”.

Instead, she yelled out “UM~EE!”, a somewhat masculine and very slangy way to refer to something as tasty. After she had finished her explanation she wished me a hearty “JA NEE~!” and departed the store. I could hear her mother mildly scolding her as they exited, “You shouldn’t bother people like that…”

“I WAS HELPING HIM!” she shouted off in the distance.

Truer words have never been spoken.

-Guff out

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After Endless Eight (Episode 2)

After Endless Eight (Episode 3)

After Endless Eight (Episode 4)

After Endless Eight (Episode 5)

After Endless Eight (Episode 6)

After Endless Eight (Episode 7)

After Endless Eight (Episode 8 )

Congratulations KyoAni for taking a short 1 chapter story arc and turning in into an epic 8 episode trollfest. Although I don’t particularly appreciate this whole catastrophe, I do have to give them props for the sheer chutzpah at being willing to pull a stunt like this, I suppose.

At least they didn’t really troll their viewers by tacking on an Endless Nine episode this week. Oh well, to be fair, one good thing did come out of this whole fiasco… “Kyon-kun, denwa.”

I have to wonder what the thought process was over in Kyoto that made them decide this was a good idea. Some people have speculated about budgetary problems or other behind the scenes issues. I have my own theory, however.

During these difficult economic times, companies all over the world are looking for ways to increase their profitability, and they are checking out what their competitors are doing. KyoAni is certainly no exception. So they look over at Sunrise at see that they are raking in money hand over fist with Code Geass.

But see, Sunrise hates their fans. They hate them with a passion and want them all to suffer. That’s why they made Code Geass R2, after all. And Gundam SEED Destiny. And Mai Otome, for that matter.

And yet the Sunrise fans keep coming back for more punishment over and over and over. Code Geass sales were completely off the charts for a while. So I think KyoAni decided that, since this formula worked so well, they should take a page out of Sunrise’s book and try punishing their own fans a bit. And that is how Endless Eight x8 came to be.

This was my face after the first episode of “The Sighs of Suzumiya Haruhi”

And the sad part is, I’ll still be following the series for more weekly punishment now that the Endless Eight story arc is finally over.

C’est la オタク.

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It’s been a while since our last humorous entry, and we haven’t talked about Japan much since our post about Junky Healthy Taco Rice and other fun Engrish stuff, so we thought a good way to kill two birds with one stone would be to show you guys some of the funny Engrish-style T-shirts those crazy Japanese have cooked up.

Dental hygiene is of extremely great in portance in Japan. Whilst I was perusing the various and sundry clothing shops scattered throughout Harajuku, I came upon this incredible shirt. It’s awfully rare to find a T-shirt that so unilaterally implores others to follow societal mores, really. Come to think of it, I think teeth are often undervalued in our society…well, or maybe that’s just England?

Nevertheless, it serves as a good reminder. Also, check out that bad tooth – do all cavities have such a huge bite taken out of them? Thankfully, they provided three standard teeth to allow for comparison. Gosh, I love this shirt so much.

Ordinary Japanese people of all ages can be seen everywhere with hilarious T-shirts like this – everyone from teenagers to salarymen to middle-aged housewives. I’ve even seen little kids with shirts like these, some of which made some, ahh…rather bold statements. And of course, neither they nor their parents had any idea of the meaning.

In fact, most of the them have absolutely no clue what the shirts they’re wearing say. Take this guy, for example:

Don’t be a Dick, YOU BANANA

Seriously, don’t do it. Actually, I’m not sure whether to be more insulted that he’s calling me a dick or that he’s calling me a banana.

A few more horribly overpriced but funny random shirts spotted while shopping in Harajuku:

Bear hate Ronald! Katakana reads: “Bear Claw”

Well, I honestly never thought I’d find myself cheering on pedobear. Seriously though, it’s about time someone taught that freakish clown some manners. Serves him right for peddling carcinogenic foodstuffs to innocent, unwitting children.

Much like Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, several of these shirts employed somewhat dark, morbid humor to great effect.

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I’d love to wear one of these things to a PETA meeting; I’m thinking it might cause the members to lighten up a bit.

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Yeah…either that or they’d kill you on the spot. And considering the near-rabid nature of most of the PETA members I’ve know, I’m leaning toward the latter, really.

OK, now for a few of the shirts we’ve bought in Japan:

Save a Tree, Eat a Beaver!

Not quite Engrish, per se, but humorous enough that I thought it warranted sharing. I spotted this on the rack at one of the many tiny clothing shops in Harajuku and bought it on the spot. I couldn’t resist; it’s just hilarious on so many different levels.

Rust.

Oxidation of metals is a serious problem. Thankfully, these people are apparently working on not one, nor even two, but in fact several methods to prevent this horrible malady from troubling humankind much longer. Thank God someone was, I’d begun to give up hope.

Click for larger version

It’s as if several newspapers all vomited simultaneously onto one piece of clothing. Despite the disarray of text, some of the phrases are rather encouraging, though. I’ve always enjoyed “watching time go right out the window.” In fact, that’s been a pastime of mine for a great many years now. On the other hand, I would disagree with the statement that “dawn is loved most by everyone.” Dawn has actually been a vicious enemy of my sleep for many years.

Hmm…“trying to hold ON but didn’t even know.” Kind of reminds me of the Darker than Black OP, somehow. I also couldn’t help but laugh at the “Segregate me” line…which is conveniently in bright letters and apart from the rest of the text.

ALL THE PEOPLE DESIRE PEACEFUL
STANDARDBEARER

I’ve been referred to as a master by some, a master of lethargy and caffeine addiction, but a master nonetheless. Sometimes I feel it is important to let others know of my mastery, and the fame contained therein. Also, peaceful is a strong desire for…well, everyone apparently. But wait, how can one be a famousmaster and a standard bearer at the same time? It boggles the mind.

Or maybe that’s the lesson – we’re all famous…in a standard kind of way.

There is a Difference

Don’t you hate it when people group various and sundry wrenches together as though they were identical, even though they clearly are not? Man, that really pisses me off! Morons confusing monkey wrenches with socket wrenches, or socket wrenches with ring spanners; that’s just unacceptable as far as I’m concerned. Thankfully, the good people at Uniqlo share in our collective frustration. Now everyone will know that categorically “there is a difference.” There is no excuse now, you keep those damn wrenches in order, you hear me?

Oh man, good ol’ Uniqlo! I don’t know where I’d be without it. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Uniqlo, it’s kind of the Anchor Blue of Japan – good discount clothing chain with lots of variety. I pretty much bought all my threads there while I was in Japan, and to this day those are some of the most comfortable clothes I own.

Finally, I would be remiss if I did not mention this shirt, spotted on a clothing rack in Shibuya. Sorry about the image quality; I was in a hurry at the time and snapped the photo while on the run…

Crime Pays In Mad Ways

Luxury taxes can be expensive. In fact, they can be so obtrusive that they may very well prevent you from obtaining your bling. Why let those governmental charlatans misappropriate your hard earned kane? Theft is far more cost effective. Remember kids, nothing is quite as cheap as “free.”

Crime evidently does in fact pay, and not only does it pay, but it does so in a maddening fashion. Well played, indeed.

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Description: This deranged killer has been sighted in a number of different anime attempting to run down innocent pedestrians in the road. The majority of the victims are female, usually young, and usually distracted from the oncoming peril by some form of emotional trauma as they run blindly into the road.

Methodology: The killer is known to frequently honk his horn just prior to viciously running down his victim. If the kill attempt is unsuccessful, usually the result of a last second flying tackle executed by the nearest relative or osananajimi, the driver has also been known to yell at the intended victim before speeding away, in an attempt to intimidate or otherwise convince them that the incident is somehow their own fault for running into the street.

Witnesses have reported that there are no attempts to brake or take any evasive action, nor does the driver slow down or stop afterward. This a clearly the work of a deranged serial hit-and-run murderer. Be warned: this killer strikes without warning, and can appear at any time, in any anime.

If you have sighted the truck in question, please notify the authorities immediately. This renegade psychopath must be stopped at all costs.

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In celebration of the true Christmas spirit (i.e. mindless consumerism), I was pondering what manner of gifts I could ask Santa for. Unfortunately, I don’t really collect figures or other miscellaneous anime merchandise. I do, however, have something of a soft spot for cute plushies.

Yeah plushies, you heard me. Shut up; stop snickering. I love my Mokonas. And I’m still more manly than the combined cast of Gundam 00.

Sadly, most of the things I want as plushies either don’t exist, or aren’t available yet. D:

Thus, in the hopes that Santa Claus will take pity and have his elves craft a couple just for me, I present to you my Christmas Top 10 Plushie Wish List:

10. Shana-tan

Pros: Aborably cute and cuddly, will eat melonpan on your head and shout “Uruchai!”

Cons: Liable to stab you in your sleep, will eat melonpan on your head and shout “Uruchai!”

9. Tama-chan

Tamaki’s O_O face never fails to crack me up. Besides, she’s naturally cuddly and soft, so a plushie would be the logical next step.

Barring that, I’d probably be happy with a Kirino plushie as well. Nekoguchi ftw! :3

8. Teru Teru Bouzu Chiaki-sama

Man, I’d love to have one of these! Ideally it would come with a string and a hook, so you could hang it above your window and wish for sunny days!

It would probably work fine as a figure as well, I suppose. As Kabitzin pointed out, you could have all your other figures/plushies gather around her praying for good weather.

7. Exia

Because real men cuddle Gundams! HUERRGH! Now with intense emocry action!

Too bad it’s not Virtue; then you could have amazing gay transformation action too!

Just kidding, I don’t really want one of those. >_>

6. Boota

The adorable sunglasses wearing, self-sacrificing mascot of the Gurren-dan would make for a great plushie! I could just sit him next to me on my desk and feel the spiral power flowing as I kick writer’s block to the curb and pierce the heavens with my blogging!

Also, potential Yoko cosplayers, take note. A Boota plushie could be just the costume accessory your cosplay needs to stand out from the crowd.

P.S. – Please, for the love of Haruhi-sama, though, please don’t attempt that cosplay unless you’re like super hot. Nuff’ said. >_>

5. Densuke

Forget Pound Puppies or whatever, Densuke is all I need! Especially if you could also get some of Amasawa’s little tribble minions to hang out with him; it would be a great combo.

4. Lucky Star Cat Blob

Do want. I mean, seriously. I even hate cats, and I’d still love to have one of these as a plushie. I mean it’s basically a pillow with ears and a tail. And Konata eyes; that’s a very important detail, as well.

Maybe to complete the package, make it like a Tickle Me Elmo, except of instead of giggling moronically, it yawns.

3. Mischievous Dango

This little tsundere guy would go great with my Mokona collection.

I don’t know that I could handle a hundred of them (gotta catch ‘em all?), but I certainly wouldn’t mind a few different dangos to add to my collection. Baby dango too, maybe?

2. Guchuko

Might be a little hard to do the hair justice, but either way, this would still be an epic plushie. I mean, Guchuko’s fuzzy appearance just begs for it. It would be the most huggable plushie ever invented by mankind. How could you resist?

Why is no one making these? They would sell like hotcakes. Actually, they would sell so fast even the hotcakes would feel embarrassed. So far the closest thing we’ve gotten is one intrepid handicrafter who made her own.

1. Aspergillus Oryzae-tan

What can I say? I’m completely, hopelessly addicted to Moyashimon, and the little chibi microbes are the most incredibly adorable thing I have seen in approximately ever.

I want buy a whole pack of Oryzae-tans, stick them all over me so they’re peeking out from behind my head and shoulders. I could go for an A. Niger or an Aokabi too, for that matter. Heck, just give ‘em all to me.

Whenever I drink sake, I can look at them and say, “Thanks guys! Kamosu zo!!”

Fortunately, although I won’t be able to get one in time for Christmas, Moyashimon plushies are in the works and will be available for sale coming soon.

So what do you guys think? Agree with any of the choices? Any other important candidates that I missed?

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Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb internet.

It’s all over. The end is nigh.

Third Impact, Haruhimageddon, Heaven’s Gate, the Anti-Spiral Apocalypse, the Wrath of the Ohmu, the Coming of Akira – call it whatever you want, but the message is clear.

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and anime is dead.

Much like the aforementioned “bomb” of Dr. Strangelove fame, the internet is the delivery mechanism that provides the offensive capability to strike all over the world, fansubbers and pirates are the nuclear payload that it delivers, and the warheads have already been launched. Or at least, that’s what the industry wants you to believe, it seems.

Industry insiders and fans alike have preached of the coming apocalypse, and indeed even famed blogger tj_han of Riuva has announced that the end is at hand. Verily, Armageddon is already upon us.

The big corporate dinosaurs are inevitably dying out one by one, and packs of roving otaku, deprived of their traditional prey, are viciously turning on one another. May O-Haruhi-sama have mercy on our cel-shaded souls.

I’m not worried, however. I predicted the coming of the apocalypse, and I’ve been secretly hoarding canned anime and freeze-dried manga in my basement. I’m prepared. I’ve stockpiled enough that I can survive for years without any contact from Japan, without relying on potentially tainted outside sources of moe and GAR.

Sure the going may get tough. I may be forced into subsisting on old episodes of Rozen Maiden, or if I get really desperate, Mai Otome. Fortunately, I know that I’ll never starve. If nothing else, there will always be Naruto.

The reason for this, as we’ve all known for years, is because Naruto isn’t really anime. It’s immune. Like cockroaches, even after all the other shows have gone extinct, it will still be scuttling around.

So the question remains…are you prepared for the coming of the anime apocalypse? And if you could only save 5 shows, which ones would you take?

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Minami-ke’s Kana-chan apparently thinks that she is boss.

And certainly, in addition to frequently bending Chiaki to her will, she seems to have the show’s male cast pretty well under her thumb.

What she does not realize, however, is that someone else has already laid claim to that title:

NO ME

As a matter of fact, SUNTORY BOSS is actually the real boss. And not just the usual garden variety “hit their weak point three times” kind of boss, either. He’s the boss of them all, and apparently has been since 1992.

Sorry Kana, looks like you lose this one.

Image used with permission from Vong Yonghow @ Halcyon Realms.

Also Tommy Lee Jones is boss.

That rainbow blend is serious business. I mean, for being a rainbow it sure looks tough and indimidating, like the beverage itself could kick your ass. Or be your boss. It’s also pretty tasty.

Also Tommy Lee Jones will be supremely disappointed if you do not purchase refreshing and delicious Suntory™ brand beverages. I mean, he just looks so distraught at the thought that you might not be drinking refreshing and delicious Suntory™ beverages right now.

In fact, you should probably go out and get some refreshing and delicious Suntory™ beverages immediately, just in case. You might make Tommy Lee Jones upset, otherwise. And you don’t want to see that.

Whoa whoa, hey, don’t go overboard! We only got paid enough to say the name once. I mean, uh…oops…

You didn’t see anything.

Anyway, so here in America we have these “truth in advertising” laws that requires advertising claims to be more or less factual. In Japan, however, they have no compunctions about making bold, grandiose statements like this.

It’s actually an interesting insight into how the culture works – rather than being caught up in percentages or scientific study findings, advertising generally focuses on creating a certain vibe. Thus, ads frequently make humorously bombastic claims, often in English. It’s not so much a statement of fact as it is a way of projecting the right image and feeling, which is what sells in Japan. Plus, half the time people aren’t quite sure what the English means anyway, so they can get away with saying pretty much whatever they want.

The “SUNTORY BOSS” photo above is what these BOSS vending machines look like from the front; the earlier photo was the side view. They’re pretty much everywhere in Japan. I used to see them every day on my walk to work.

One other interesting general tidbit to note about vending machines in Japan is the little recycling bin next to the machine. Most Japanese people, especially the older generations, consider it somewhat rude to eat or drink while walking. It’s pretty common to see a salaryman buy a drink and then stand there and drink it on the spot, thus the recycling bin comes in really handy, especially since the Japanese don’t seem to believe in putting just regular old trashcans in public places.

That’s also another reason why the drink sizes are so small and wee; it makes them easy to finish in one go.

And yes, Tommy Lee Jones is the Muteki Kanban Musuko for Suntory, and has been for a long long time.

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It can quickly turn fatal if left untreated, and thus should be taken extremely seriously. If you or someone you know may be suffering from Hiatus Disease, don’t wait. Seek professional help immediately.

Fortunately, Hiatus Disease is almost always treatable if diagnosed in time, and the long term impairment effects are usually minimal. Even if you have not contracted Hiatus Disease, you may still be at risk. Learn about the symptoms and take the short quiz below to find out whether you should be concerned.

This young girl is currently battling against the ravages of Hiatus Disease. Don’t let yourself end up like this.

Symptoms

Known symptoms of Hiatus Disease include:

• Reduced frequency of updates
• Irregular or arrhythmic posting
• Lack of creativity
• Increasing reliance on over-the-counter gimmick posts
• Frequent excuses for the above
• Loss of enthusiasm and enjoyment in blogging
• A decrease in blogging stamina, and an inability to achieve and maintain solid reader interest

This is not an exhaustive list, as the symptoms of Hiatus Disease are varied and elusive, but these can serve as an early warning sign for the condition.

Known Causes

Waning interest in the blog’s subject matter of choice, frequently referred to in other medical texts as “moving on in life” or “burning out”, is the leading cause of Hiatus Disease among bloggers today. The acquisition of a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse is also known to trigger the condition. This strain is particularly tenacious and left untreated can quickly become life-threatening.

Job pressures, IRL drama, and other family related issues are also known to contribute to development of HD. In addition, many younger bloggers are at risk, as school final exam periods are a frequent cause. Entering or leaving university, and the accompanying lifestyle changes, can also trigger the disease.

The presence of other medical conditions can dramatically increase the risk of contracting Hiatus Disease, as well as worsening the severity of an existing case.

Don’t let Hiatus Disease catch you unaware! Know your risk factor!

Are You At Risk of Contracting Hiatus Disease?

Take the following quiz to find out whether you should be concerned about Hiatus Disease:

For each question, simply choose the appropriate answer, and then add the corresponding number of points to your total.

#1. On average, how many times per week do you post?

A. Fewer than once per week – 5 points
B. Once or twice – 2 points
C. 3 to 10 times – 1 point
D. More than 10 times – 3 points

#2. How long is your average blog entry?

A. Fewer than 200 words – 5 points
B. 200 to 1000 words – 2 points
C. 1000 to 3000 words – 1 point
D. Over 9000 More than 3000 words (Holy cow!) – 3 points

#3. On average, how many comments do your entries receive?

A. 0 comments – 5 points :’(
B. 1 to 5 comments – 3 points
C. 5 to 25 comments – 2 points
D. Over 25 comments – 1 point

#4. How long have you been blogging?

A. Less than 3 months – 5 points
B. 3 months to 1 year – 2 points
C. 1 to 3 years – 3 points
D. More than 3 years – 1 point

#5. Have you or anyone in your immediate family previously contracted Hiatus Disease?

A. No – 1 point
B. Yes – 5 points

#6. How often do you feel stressed?

A. Never – 1 point
B. Occasionally – 2 points
C. Frequently – 3 points
D. OMG ALL THE TIME!! – 5 points

#7. Are you married? (closely related to the previous question)

A. No – 1 point
B. Yes – 5 points

#8. How old are you?

A. Under 18 – 5 points
B. 18 to 24 – 3 points
C. 25 to 35 – 2 points
D. 35+ – 1 point

#9. What is your name?

A. Cory Doctorow – minus 10 points
B. Anything else – 0 points

#10. What is your quest?

A. To have fun! – 0 points
B. To save the world! – 2 points
C. To become an internet supastar~! – 1 point
D. To make ridiculously large sums of cash money! – 5 points

8 – 14 points = Low risk. Your blog is extremely healthy. Keep on truckin’!

15 – 23 points = Normal risk. Continue to maintain a healthy blogging lifestyle and you should be fine.

24 – 32 points = Elevated risk. Consider implementing some of the suggestions from the “Prevention Steps” section below to improve your blog’s lifespan.

33 – 45 points = Extreme risk. Seek medical attention immediately! If your blog hasn’t already dropped dead, it’s likely on life support. At this point, you should be open to the possibility of euthanasia as the most humane option for your suffering companion, since what you wrote was probably extremely boring and emo to begin with.

Want to learn more about what behaviors may be putting you at risk? The following is a brief explanation of each question in the quiz:

#1. Maintaining a regular posting schedule is critical for every blog. More posts = more readers. Don’t get carried away, however. Some hardened bloggers are able to manage consistently posting more than once every day, but these individuals are few and far between. Many an over-exuberant blogger has burned out by posting too much, too fast.

#2. Short gimmicky posts or excuses won’t sustain a blog for long when faced with a content drought. For the same reason as #1, however, don’t get carried away writing too much all at once. This is also known to lead to the development of a highly contagious reader condition known as TL;DR Disorder.

#3. Comments have often been described as the lifeblood of a blog. Bloggers who never get any are at highly increased risk of HD.

#4. New blogs are as short-lived as mayflies, but if they make it more than 3 to 6 months, there’s a decent chance they’re here to stay. Interestingly, according to some statistics, blogs in the 1 to 3 year age range are more likely to contract HD, as life changes and other hobbies crowd out blogging. Once a blog has survived past the 3 or 4 year mark, however, it’s likely to still be around for a long, long time.

#5. Even if a blogger comes back from hiatus, the site may have lost a significant portion of its traffic in the interim. This can lead to a vicious cycle of HD, eventually leading to the death of the blog.

#6. Regardless of what your goal is, blogging should be fun. Bloggers who have a lot of stress in their lives are among the first to fall to Hiatus Disease.

#7. Blogging is a fairly high maintenance hobby, and people with spouses and children generally have a very hard time prioritizing blog over family.

#8. The younger you are, the more likely you are to go through significant changes in lifestyle, hobbies, and preferences. Older bloggers have generally figured out what the heck they’re doing in life and settled into a routine, ironically making them less likely to succumb to the disease than their junior counterparts.

#9. http://xkcd.com/239/

#10. Self explanatory, I hope. If you get the reference you can probably take off another point for the nerd factor, as well.

If left unchecked, HD can snowball into a vicious cycle of hiatus after hiatus.

Prevention Steps

If you have Hiatus Disease, or are at risk of contracting Hiatus Disease, don’t worry! There are still plenty of ways to combat it.

The easiest prevention method is to branch out and cover other topics that you don’t normally blog about. Establishing a good niche is important for every blog, but getting out of it from time to time is equally important. Mix it up and write about something different from time to time to help keep things fresh for both you and your audience.

Another closely related method is to get out of your own blog more frequently. Check out other sites and see what’s going on. They don’t even have to be in the same genre as your blog. The internet is a big place; there’s lots out there to see.

Not only will visiting and commenting on other sites help raise the visibility of your own blog, it will also aid you in finding interesting things to write about. In fact, interaction with the online community is one of the best known methods of preventing Hiatus Disease.

Finally, when in doubt, get yourself a co-blogger or two to help pick up the slack. Or, if you aren’t able to con recruit dedicated bloggers of your own, try collaborating with another existing blogger on a joint topic. Bouncing ideas off another writer and having different perspectives not only makes it more fun when writing, it’s also more enjoyable for readers, and can result in lots of beneficial cross-pollination traffic.

Remember, don’t be afraid of Hiatus Disease! It’s at least as scared of you as you are of it. Or wait…maybe that’s for bears. Well anyway, now you know the HD warning signs, and what to look out for.

Forewarned is forearmed, and that’s half an octopus!

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The same disclaimer applies here – all classifications and examples used in this article are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real persons or blogs is purely coincidental. Even if they have the same name and URL.

The Weeaboo

“ZOMG Japan is t3h CHOU SUGOI! I am more awesomer than u because I have been there and u have not!”

The Weeaboo blogger is a rabid fan of any and all things Japanese. He has usually visited Japan at least once and can speak some measure of Japanese. He declaims passionately about anything related to Japanese culture, and brooks no argument from those who he views as possessing inferior weeaboo qualifications (i.e. – have not personally visited Akihabara). He can frequently be seen employing phrases such as “Well my Japanese friend said that…” or “Actually in Japan it’s like this…”

Epic Win is a classic Weeaboo.

Note that upon reaching level 42, The Weeaboo may evolve into its third stage evolution:

The Weeaboo/Authority

“Listen well as I regale you with humorous tales from distant lands, and also about this really hot Mikuru figure I just bought.”

The Weeaboo/Authority is a dual-type blogger, possessing properties of The Weeaboo while also gaining the influence of The Authority. Having lived in Japan and attained some degree of Japanese fluency, they alternate between penning embittered diatribes about cultural inequality and gleefully showing off their latest haul from Akiba or Nakano Broadway. Lesser weeaboo flock to their banner and fap to their every word.

Danny Choo is a Weeaboo/Authority type.

The Turtle

“(could not be reached for comment)”

Those of you who have played real-time strategy games are all too familiar with this type. The Turtle is the sort who, as a child, played alone and kept all his toys at home in neatly organized stacks. He hides within the safety of his own site, rarely venturing out to interact with others.

Jason Miao is a Turtle.

The Phantom

“Hey guys, I’m still here. I haven’t forgotten about you. I’m just really busy, that’s all. I swear.”

The Phantom is theoretically dead, having long since ceased to make regular updates to his site. He continues to post half-heartedly, however, just frequently enough to tantalize readers into the hope that the former glory days will return.

Phantom bloggers generally pass on with time, but in some cases may require exorcism to be laid to rest. Known effective methods of exorcism include girlfriends, graduate school, and real social lives.

Phantom bloggers should be exorcised as soon as possible.

The Scientist

“If anime characters were elements, Haruhi would be a halogen, because she’s so reactive, and she draws others to her with her high electronegativity. Haha, get it?”

A deep thinker, The Scientist loves to scrutinize anime under the lens of scientific analysis. He may often employ abstruse analogies linking popular anime shows or characters to esoteric mathematical and chemistry-related concepts. The Scientist is also known to enjoy organizing things into detailed classifications, including but not limited to fellow bloggers.

tj_han is a consummate Scientist.

The Heavy

“You are great doctor!”

The backbone of any major offensive push, the Heavy wields a massive…oh wait, that’s Team Fortress 2, my bad.

The Sellout

“This show is amazing; you should go out and buy it immediately! I’m not even kidding! Also by strange coincidence I am filthy rich, haha!”

Having achieved some measure of popularity, Sellouts leverage their position for personal profit. In addition to receiving lots of free swag from vendors hopeful for positive press, they ruthlessly monetize their sites through text link advertisements, the massive profits from which enable them to retire in luxury.

Hung of BasuGasuBakuHatsu is one of those filthy sellouts*. I would worry that he’d be offended, but he’s probably too busy rolling in money to care.

The Female

“Hi, I’m a chick and I like, like anime, wow!”

A rare variety amongst anime bloggers, The Female immediately causes a stir, but is often short-lived, tending to mysteriously disappear without a trace. Male otaku are known to engage in intricate mating rituals, in which they can be seen flourishing their richly colored cosplay and fanart plumage in order to impress The Female.

These rituals continue in successively ridiculous displays as they attempt to outdo one another. Invariably, they all watch in dismay as the female instead pursues regular guys who have money and abs.

If you spot one, exercise extreme caution, and above all, do not attempt to handle it in any way; they can be deadly.

The Legend

Legends are well-known and well-liked bloggers who enjoy widespread fame and popularity. They update frequently with thoughtful, original, unbiased, and well-written articles, and are often a good source for wise personal and financial advice. They are also well-spoken, ruggedly handsome, and popular with women.

Although unconfirmed reports of the existence of such creatures continue to circulate, the scientific community has yet to discover a living specimen. As such, it has been dismissed it as a mere outdated myth, a superstition from ancient times, such as the 90’s.

* For the irony impaired, chill out. It’s a joke.

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As a nation, Japan is absolutely fascinated with the English language. They give their products English names to make them sound foreign and exotic, they brand them using Roman letters to give them that distinctive trendy look, and they wear T-shirts with phrases that look as though they were produced by having a blindfolded person point to a series random words in a dictionary.

It wasn’t that long ago that learning a foreign language was looked upon with a great deal of suspicion. During Japan’s more isolationist days, anyone who spoke English too well was viewed as un-Japanese, something of a renegade. Now that the Japanese have really opened up to the west, however, they seem determined to make up for lost time by using and abusing the language in every way conceivably possible.

If you’ve ever traveled in Japan, you have no doubt seen the way English is plastered all over signs, advertisements, and T-shirts. The free-spirited brazenness with which it is used, unhindered by such petty things as “grammar”, makes linguists and English teachers around the world cringe in dismay, but it also provides plenty of entertainment for gaijin like myself.

Below is a sampling of a few of the things I ran into during my time in Japan that made me laugh.

Gentile. No Jews allowed.

A local Italian restaurant in Musashi Koganei a couple stops down the Chuo line from where I lived.

I guess they serve a lot of pork.

Well, Italians are gentiles for the most part, so I’d have to agree with that.

Racipe for Happiness.

Spotted in Namba shopping district in Osaka.

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I wonder if Martha Stewart knows about this particular racipe…

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Taco Rice.

It so junky and healthy!

Taco rice is actually a pretty popular dish in Japan. Many Japanese people eat it thinking they’re enjoying fine traditional Mexican cuisine. To be fair, though, it is quite tasty, kind of like a taco salad, but with rice instead of tortilla chips.

Paradoxical salad dishes are a staple food item among Japanese restaurants, it seems.

Lemon Gas.

The Japanese are really doing wonders with biofuels these days, or so I hear.

I imagine it smells a lot better than diesel, too.

I’m more partial to lime gas, personally, but that’s just me.

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Gotta watch out for those suspicious unclaimed persons.

Trains in Japan always have wonderfully humorous warning signs, often accompanied by cute anime style illustrations.

The sign on the bottom with the cat says “Watch out for the door!”

Do cats count as unclaimed objects then?

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This kind of stuff provides endless amusement for foreigners, who can frequently be seen pointing and laughing while the Japanese people stand around wondering what’s so funny.

I have plenty more pictures like this, I was just too lazy to go through my massive photo archive and cull the interesting ones. At some point later on we’ll put together another Engrish post showing off a few of the hilarious T-shirts we’ve seen.

Obligation being next time of more Engrish enjoyment togetherness please!

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